Anorexic Nightmare

by Cate
(New Jersey)

There are always those few words that everyone will remember for years to come. It could be a compliment, or a quote, maybe even a prayer. For me it was fat. Yup, fat. Everyday when i woke up and looked in the mirror, from when i was four, fat. Fat,fat,fat. "See that? thats fat. See that girl over there? She's thin. You're never going to be as good as her, you're fat." Who knew that such a small word could do so much harm. Of course it took until I was eight to consciously realize what it meant. That fat equaled ugly. From then on I went on crash diets. They never lasted longer than an hour. Nothing changed. My reflection was still that piece of fat with a name. That is until one day in sixth grade. I sat at the lunch table, looking around at all the food. I made a pact to never look at food as an enjoyment again. It stuck. Days came and went with eating less then 300 calories. The pounds shed like butter. Every time a felt that twist, grind of hunger in the pit of my stomach I gave a smile. It was not my smile. It was Ed's. He was me...my eating disorder. Telling me if i ate that one piece of cucumber i would gain three pounds. Telling me how happy i felt when i lost weight. But you see, what i didn't know was that Ed was a compulsive liar. The day after sixth grade ended I was basically not there. I had no energy. I laid on the couch. If i stood up my eyes would go black and my head would start spinning. I was a ghost. My mom took me to an E.D. specialist. I giggled at this. I mean an Eating disorder?? HA! Thats what skinny people have. The doctor that day told me I was going to die. I had to stay in the hospital. My heart rate was at 30 and I had to be admitted to the hospital. That was not the day that changed my mind though. It took multiple trips to the ICU. An inpatient program that could have been in a nightmare. Tears from my family and friends begging me to stop. But most of all it took myself. I needed ME, to want the help. And finally after months of suffering, I was ready. I am now in recovery. Ed is still here and active of course. Yet it is so much different when you have an army fighting him. I am blessed to be alive. Thank you god. I AM beautiful.

-- A 13 year old with an eating disorder.