Any Advice? I'm Lost

by Ashlynn
(Texas)

hi my name is ashlynn, i'm 14 and LOST. All of my life i've had an issue with food. I have been bullied since i was 5 and it was always so hard growing up with no friends, i always had my cousin but we're not really friends anymore(that's another story). When i was 7 & 8 i was being bulllied at school and then i would come home and my brothers would call me fat, bullying was a 24/7 thing. In 3rd grade i started over eating to fill the void, i was always active so i was never too fat (i thought i was though). 4th grade was a lot better i didn't go home and cry everyday, but i still was over eating & really self-consiencious. skipping ahead to 8th grade now bullying got a lot worse and my anorexic thoughts began. I became vegetarian for about a month or two and gave up on that. I began watching what I ate but, it wasn't until this year 9th grade when I really started having issues. I self- harmed for the first time in the summmer after 8th grade once but by december 2011 i was cutting my wrists pretty bad. I wasn't eating but 500-800 calories a day and doing basketball practice 10 hours a week. I began eating more this semester after basketball ended, but I feel awful, hideous and FAT!!!! I've talked to my bible study leader about some of this (she was anorexic in high school) and she thinks i'm anorexic. Even though I know i'm not I can't be i'm way too fat to be anorexic. I finally found a way to effectively loose weight and me and my friend will start that diet on monday (it's called the rainbow diet). I'm really sorry for rambling on and on like this but I am so lost. My bible study leader thinks i'm anorexic, i don't think i am though and she wants me to go to councling. I'm lost and confused... any advice???