Becoming Me

by GiGi
(California)

I had always struggled with my self-image. Girls at my school told me that when I hit the ground, the earth shook. I wasn't even close to fat. I had broad shoulders and I was five foot six at age twelve, but I was never fat. It took root in my soul and things started happening in me. I looked in the mirror per day and would say, "You're a piece of crap." I had believed every negative word about me that these girls (and some boys!) had said about me. I would look in the mirror and think I was one of the ugliest-looking human beings possible alive. I hated myself, no, It was more than self-hatred, it was..... It was like I had the thought that I shouldn't be alive for being so ugly. I knew I was a nobody, a nothing to this world, and I wanted myself to die per day. A nasty Facebook group about me popped up called, "GiGi Sucks Balls" and anybody who didn't like me would write horrifying stuff about me on the page. I was broken. I became to hate God- Literally hate him. Hate him with everything in me. I wished that I could be sent into my own grave, just so the bullies wouldn't have to to see my face everyday. I had the strongest thoughts about suicide, and at one time, I almost tried to kill myself, but I knew I never could. I didn't have enough guts to hurt myself. I prayed to God every night that he would give me cancer so I could stay away from school throwing every part of my stomach up and eventually withering away and dying. I was addicted to hating myself. My heart was broken because of these girls- Just a few words had so much power of my soul, my thoughts, and my heart. Around July of 2009, I knew I wanted to be something of value. I knew I wanted to be something important to society. I felt like if I died the next day, only a few family members would even come to my funeral. I took on the interest of acting, and started going to acting classes and even joined the drama club at my school. I had always wanted to be "famous" when I was younger, just like every other girl out there, but I had never wanted something more in the world then becoming something important. I had taken show choir and drama for a full year before, but I hadn't been so determined as I had in July of 2009. I wanted revenge on all the bullies- I wanted to have fans screaming my name and wanting my autograph. It was an unrealistic dream, but I wanted it.

As I went into my seventh grade year of school, the bullying came at its hardest. I was completely left out, unwanted, and I felt more disgusted with myself than ever before. I could not get one girl's words out of my head- It was from over the summer when a "popular" girl started to befriend me because I became a cheerleader, and we went on a trip to Vegas together with our Moms. At dinner one night in front of everyone she said, "I love GiGI, she's like my best friend, but I'm not going to tell anyone that we're hanging out because nobody really likes her." I was too shocked to even have one feeling of hurt flood through my heart. It was a shock, so I just shrugged it off like everything else. My Mom left the dinner table leaving the girl in tears for saying that rude thing to me. That night while laying in bed, her words started to process and I burst into tears. It was a delayed reaction.
Towards November of 2009, the bullying hit me so hard I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I was emotionally depressed, and It was a struggle to get my clothes on. It wasn't a healthy situation for me. I decided it was time to leave this life of mine behind. I transferred to another school in January. Once I transferred, everything got happier for me. Life became better and God and I's relationship was stronger. I still had nightmares of the bullies taunting me, and it was sometimes a struggle to keep those devouring memories out of my mind. It was especially hard on the ones around me because my negative attitude brought them down as well. All in All, I learned from everything that God is never going to leave you- He never left me, even though it felt like he had. Even though sometimes it might be hard to accept yourself- you've got to love yourself so you will never have to have the battle of self-hatred like I had. Never let people's harsh comments and rude evaluations about you ruin who you are as a person. If I had known those words two and a half years ago, I would've saved the trouble of my depression a long time ago.