Down the wrong road in life!

by Abigail
(Greenville Texas)

When i was 13, i found out for sure that i was raped at a younger age. i couldnt realy remember it, i just had nightmare after nightmare. So when I found out that this was the truth, i asked myself the typical question "Why me God" "Why did i deserve this" "What have i done that is so terrible that i had to be raped" then you know that moms are always loving and they want to be there for you and so was mine but i acted as if i was perfect when she was around but at night in my room when no one was around i would sit in the dark hugging my legs so tight crying cause of the fear in my heart. then one night i started doing something i wish i would have never started i started cutting every night because it was a way to stop the fear, pain and insecurity i was feeling inside my heart and what i was hearing from the devil in my mind! I cut myself for 3 or 4 years on my inner thighs, my lower arm and my belly. anywhere to hide it from my mom. i wouldnt wear shorts, swim suits, or short sleeve shirts. Of course i was always happy at school because i thought the cutting was relieving me of so much stress but it really just caused so much more, i just acted like it didnt. During this time i was cutting, i got this boyfriend named cody. he was the first guy i had been with since all this happened because i was so scared to be with a guy after being raped. i mean i thought every guy was the same and (still to this day i have trouble with it and i'm now 20) well cody was different. i told him i was cutting and he, without me knowing, told the school counselor and they had a meeting with me. cody worked with me on it for a year then he broke my heart and it started again. this time my two best friends went into acting and came to my house when i wasnt at home and took everything sharp out of my room. They watched my every day all day long and would not leave me alone at home if i was upset, mad, sad, or had a bad day! I'm so thankful for those two. i havent cut myself in 2 years. yes, i think about it when i'm upset, but i have something better and his name is JESUS and he is always there for me and loving on me and i know i dont need to cut myself because i have him and i have some many wonderful friends! Yes this stuff is still painful when i look at the ugly terrible scars it left on me mentally and phyiscally, but I hope every girl out there doesn't struggle with cutting like i did! Abi