Found my love in cutting

by Christen
(Cuttingville)

I cut alot, but I don't think of it really being bad, no, it's a beautiful pain. No one can understand it if they haven't gone through it (or like me are going through it). Sometimes I wonder why I do it, but it's something I can control. I control how deep the cuts go, and where they go, I control how much pain I feel. I'm sort of a new cutter I guess you could say, just since October, but I'm already very heavily addicted to cutting, it's like no matter how hard I try I can't stop. I cut once last night, and once this morning, it's like a ritual to me now. I used to be close to God, I used to feel His presence, but no more...now I have an empty void deep inside me, and whenever it gets bad I cut. It's not because I've ever been abused, I'm 15 and haven't even ever had a boy friend. I have great parents and siblings, there's just something wrong with me! I also struggle greatly with pride, and selfishness, I know all this, but I don't know how to let it go. Turth be told I don't really want to give it up. I don't know when the last time I read my Bible and got something out of it was...I want to be close to God and read my Bible faithfuly, but then again part of me is holding me back. Help me please somebody! I want to be free from pride and selfishness, again, part of me wants to stay where I am...miserable and depressed. I feel so happy, and get "butterflies" in my stomach when I cut, then other times I feel like a circus freak. Does anyone have anything constuctive to say? Does anyone even understand? It's really hard for my to describe...anyways...I hope someone understands...

Comments for Found my love in cutting

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i understand this..
by: Daisy Eileen

im 17 years old...and i have cut myself before also.i started sometime in junior high then as time went by i became addicted. i went from doing it every now and then when i was really upset to doing it every month or so to literally every day.i have cut places like my wrists thies etc...it got so bad.i remember one day i called my best friend crying in the bathroom holding a razor shaking because i went two days without cutting and i was feeling like i NEEDED to do it.i live with both parents i had good people around me...everything was good but i felt empty and my heart was broken.i dont think you've found love in cutting.i think your trying to fill in a hole in your heart with something intense.and cutting is intense.i think everyone needs something to be passionate about.and if they arent...then they feel like they have low value and turn to things that will in the end just break u down even more.i found God when i was 15 but i was still cutting.to this day i still struggle with the temptation of wanting to cut.but ive been strong and God has been my hero through all this heartbreak ive put myself through.God filled in my emptiness and He wants to fill in yours.im not perfect and i still mess up on how i live my life but when im broken i fall on God.whether or not you'll admit it...you're broken.and i felt the pain just by reading what you wrote.you do not need to cut anymore!you are so precious and you need to start looking at whats special about you.and you cant say theres nothing cause there is.ive suffered with depression and lately ive been looking at my life and just being happy with it.do things that make you feel good and confident!play a sport or read your Bible or learn how to do something fun...whatever it is do it to help u.and anytime you feel tempted to cut tell God!even if you've already done it...tell Him that you did it and how you feel about it.being open with God is the best thing ive ever decided to do.even when i mess up big time or just get angry i tell Him im angry with Him or that i need Him.talk to Him.i wish i knew you personally so i could help more but girl please...look at yourself and walk away from the devil's grip.ill be praying for you.you are strong and powerful!you need to see the light you carry.
Set free!
by: Christen

Thank you so much Daisy, thank you so much! I cried when I read your reply, I admit it, I am broken. No one has ever connected with me like that before. It means so much to me that you care, and are you really going to pray for me?! No ones ever told me they were going to pray for me before! :) I wish I knew you personaly too, I don't have anyone who understands, or tries to help me. But you have touched me in a way no one can, I feel like I just woke up out of a trance. Well I have to go now, I need to go talk to God about all of this...it's been a long time...
I wish there was some way I could keep intouch with you Daisy, please keep encouraging girls like me...you have an amazing testimony! ok, well I've got to go now (I'm starting to cry again, it's been a long time since I've done that too). I feel like a wound that had been healing incorrectly was just torn open and treated right this time, it hurts, but feels so good at the same time. Thank you for changing my life, I will never forget your kindness. And when I get back into the hang of it, I'll pray for you too! Thanks so much again, Christen
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WITNESS
by: Anonymous

Hello Christen & Daisy, I'm not going to add anything to what's been said other that I'm so godly proud of you and blessed by your honest transparency.
Like an oyster, that which has caused you pain, through faith in Christ, you are allowing Him to make pearls. Out of your "costly" experience, you are allowing the grace of God to turn it all around for your good and His glory. (Romans 8).
Dear precious young ladies we know that knowledge came at a cost - but ben encouraged God is going to use you mightily to set others free so continue to stay before His presence, learn of Him through biblestudy, Christian peers (Daisy) and the wealth of information available at this site (books, other testimonials, games & activities).
In short, Christen & Daisy just continue on your quest to be what He created you to be and do what He created you to do.
There's an old saying that kept coming up into my heart as I read your testimonies "when I looked into your futures I had to put sunglasses on - for it was so bright!"
God bless you two - and I do hope you get a chance to see one another personally as well!

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