Girl, 17

by Rae
(London, England)

I feel like I've been alive for so long, but somehow I've only just started living. A few years ago I was a very different person to who I am today; dark, depressed, bitter. I wore black most of the time to draw attention away from myself but it had the opposite effect. Everyone wondered why this little girl was so sad. I blamed it up on upbringing. My father left before I was born and ever since, I've blamed him for a lot of the hardships my mum and I have been through. I was angry that we had to live off welfare, that our house was damp, that in winter you had to wear your jacket inside because it was so cold. Inside I was hollow. I felt ugly. I had scoliosis. Clothes didn't fit right. Shopping was a nightmare. My mother didn't understand because I couldn't explain myself. I sought solace in music - mainly metal. I loved it. It helped me to express my bitterness but it just made me more bitter. One day during summer, I decided that I didn't want to be alive any more. I tried to end it, but I was always too afraid. A few months later, I begged to go see this band. I didn't really know them, I'd only heard a couple of their songs but I knew it would be good. That night, the lead singer shared this woman's story: she had set herself on fire in an act of desperation - to reach out, to feel. But what she felt was unbearable pain and she cried out to God (something I hadn't done before)and he saved her. Needless to say, she has horrific scarring but she goes around sharing her story and it saved me. I wanted to live with the passion for life that she had. So I called out too. I'm here 3 years later, finally living. Grateful for every breath I take and hoping to inspire others to live too. Sorry for the length of this but I get excited when I talk about the cool things Jesus does :)