he wasnt supposed to do that

by sarah

I am 15 years old going on 16 in november. I was sexually abused when I was 11 or 12 by my 18 year old brother(then, he's now 22). I never thought that what he did to me was considered abuse. Nonetheless severe abuse(according to article). I always thought sexual abuse was only if someone were raped or was forced to have oral sex with a guy. Nothing like me. I felt (still sorta do) so bad because I felt so bad over something so small and stupid when my friend was the one raped. And I didn't even say no. I stood still, frozen, speechless. I couldn't move nor speak. I felt like it was my fault. I didn't fight it. But I got so scared of being alone with my brother that i'd hide in my bathrrom with the door locked until my parents got home. Also, when I thought I was safe because I was sitting down on the computer chair he touched me and I went to walk away but as I actually tried to get away he used force to keep me still until I embarrasingly said, "it hurts!" And he stopped and I basically ran away. But he would put his hand down my shirt when it was just me and him in a room and would grab my butt when he got the chance. The worst abuse was the first one but its too uncomfortable for me to say just what happened. I'm afraid of being around him alone. But I feel attached to him somehow like I care what he thinks of me more than anyone. I want him to think I'm pretty and love me. I'm so crazy. I just can't tell my mom or family it would break our family apart and id be scared of my brother. If I told....idk but lately I feel as if I'm going to burst but id blocked this memory for so long. Now that I've been thinking bout it lately its too much for me to handle by myself.I don't know what to do. I was going to tell my counselor( I go to her for anxiety) but she can tell since I'm a minor and its sexual abuse....... but I hurt and don't want to feel this burden anymore what do I do? ....... p.s. and I have really bad trust issues now. I distance myself from people and my relationships don't get past the new couple stage(no physical aspects whatsoever) I am also paranoid of someone attacking me on the street when I'm by myself and have bad anxiety. I feel so used up and I want to feel happy again.