I just want to be in control

my name is hailey,

im 15 years old and 5'7. ive never been the kind of girl who was super self concious about my body, or obsessed over what i ate, but this summer i decided i wanted to eat less and see if i could lose some weight. as the summer went on, i seemed to be losing weight steadily, and i began to look more into what i was eating, id read the labels on anything before i ate it, and i would eat only things that had little to no fat in them. not only that but it became more than that, it became something i felt the need to control, and the less i ate the better i felt. This has continued ever since then, and ive lost a significant amount of weight. Im not sure how much i weighed before this all began, but it was something around 130. I now weight about 105. I havent talked to anyone about it, and ive found myself feeling really lonely. I have a friend who has suffered from anorexia for about a year now, and last year was hospitalized for 2 months. I've debated talking to her about it because i really need someone to talk to but the thing is, i really dont want anyone to find out about this. i dont want to be known as the girl who doesnt eat. i just want people to think im naturally like this. Im also really scared. im scared that people have started to realize, and im scared that certain people try hard to get me to eat a lot when im with them, and i dont want to always be refusing cause i dont want to be obvious, so ive found myself avoiding hanging out with people for that reason, which only leaves me feeling more lonely.

Lately though, in the past week, i had a doctors appointment to get weighed, and that terrified me. i was worried that if my doctor became involved, they would control me and everything i ate.. so i started to binge a little and i ate things that i havent eaten in months. i felt extremely out of control and i dont like the feeling at all. i dont know what my aim was, whether it was to gain a little weight or whether i was just losing control, but now i cant get back to my old eating schedules. for about a week now i have had the worst days for eating and ive felt like a sloppish pig. Ive tried to vomit after eating a few times, but i cannot bring myself to do it. im soo scared about this whole thing, and its completely changed my life.Im always thinking about food, and worrying about what i will eat. i have no one to talk to and i just needed to let it out.