I Just Want To Be Me

by Natalie
(Cabool, MO)

Ever since I can remember I've always at least low-key have been worried about my weight, and how I've looked.

I remember when I was small, maybe 4 or 5, my mother commented on how chubby I was. Ever since then I've been insecure.

I remember everyday for the past 17 years seeing my mother look in the mirror and complaining about being fat, and I remember thinking "If people say I look just like her.... and she's fat, then what does that make me?"

Everyday my brother would teasingly call me fat. While everyone else commented on how thin and healthy he was.

My Father always strained how important it was to eat right and exercise, and he'd send out negative vibes (or at least that's how I interpret it)to those who weren't healthy and fit.

For a while I kept the weight of 117 and I am around 5'2 to 5'4. I wasn't completely happy with the way I looked but I was content and I tried to maintain that as best as I could. Summer of 2017 I went on vacation with my aunt uncle and cousin we went to Lake Tahoe California. And I remember the whole time I felt as if I was over eating because I went up to 120 and seeing all those girls they're super skinny and beautiful, it's hard. And I remember thinking on the flight home I'm not going to eat.

Long story short that got carried away I develop severe anxiety around food and buy Christmas of 2017 I was down to 84 pounds. I had to go to the hospital and it was definitely an eye-opener but it still struggles. I've gone to many different therapy I'm going to many different therapist and tried things to help me my parents spend a lot of money on this which we can afford and they've got me back up to 115 but once again I've dropped to 106. And once again my parents are trying to gain it back up to weight and I know I need it and I know it's healthy but it's so hard.

I wish I could cut back on meals I wish I could weigh myself daily like I used to I wish I could look like all these other girls I'm with all the time who are just so perfect. And I'm just so not. All my other family they're talented and smart and athletic and I'm just me.

If I'm not there to artistic one or the smart one for the athletic ones I at least want to be the skinny one.... that's something. And I'm technically better but I still struggle and sometimes and that struggle leads too suicidal thoughts and it's hard to remember that God still loves me. And I feel so guilty because I know I'm I have a privileged and blessed life so why am I like this?