It's so hard

by Larissa
(Canada)

My name is Larissa, I'm in Grade 10. I'm a female who suffers from a severe mood disorder, self-harm, and anorexia.

I grew up in a pretty nice household... I guess it probably started with the bullying in middle school. I was constantly bullied for what I wore, said, did.... just breathing seemed to be a crime to them.
I soon got really depressed. I was constantly low and upset, and I started self-harming in grade 7.
It really took a toll on my self-esteem... and then I started dieting. I had no clue what dieting was really about, so it quickly spun out of control. Especially since I'm a perfectionist... I lost some weight and kept going.
I lost 30% of my body mass in 3 months. I lost 50 pounds. But, even more than that, I lost control. I lost myself. I lost any happiness I had left...
And soon my parents began to worry, and my relationship with my sister suffered. My sister and I used to be very close but, once I got very tiny, all we would do is argue about food.
And I couldn't understand why they were all so worried! I still saw myself as fat- fatter than ever, possibly!
My Mother got me into an outpatient program for my eating disorder. I remember all the thoughts and feelings surrounding that.... anger, frustration, hopelessness. I couldn't control my weight anymore and it sucked. I would constantly self-bash and suicide thoughts became worse and worse.
I've always had suicidal thoughts, ever since the onset of bullying, but along with losing control... it was a downwards spiral.
I attempted suicide in November. I was in the child and adolescence psychiatry inpatient unit for about two weeks, and then I was released. I was put on some medication to help with anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and perfectionism.
I was doing well recovering but I hate to say that I've had a recent relapse. It's really hard to work towards recovery when there's this voice that never leaves you.

I now know that with anorexia, I didn't have control- I lost it. It takes a lot of willpower to battle that voice that keeps telling you "thinner... you fat pig you can be tinier! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ATE THAT MUCH YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING YOU ---- FAT COW HOW DARE YOU!?". I battle that voice on a daily basis, and it's hard. I know how to skip meals. I like how it feels to feel weightless. But I know, that if I want to be alive and I want to at least TRY for a better future, I have to eat. I have to try. I have a lot of dreams I want to accomplish, and without my enemy- food- I'll never get there.