Meant To Be

by Seb<3

Just got out of a relationship a couple wks ago.. had a fight with him the night before. its wednesday and on sunday i found my ex flirting with some girl. he was up till three in the morning talking to her.

now when i broke up with him, i really didnt want to. but i knew i had to becuz the waiting to see him was tearing me apart. plus i had given my life to God and wanted to get closer to Him. but instead I was giving more of my time to my bf then to God. My bf told me he understood and he promised he would wait for me. he promised to love me forever and wait for me. but then last sunday i caught him flirting with some girl on facebook. i posted some things i felt on my facebook. not things that go into detail.. just things like "theres a certain person i would like to smack in the face with a shovel. almost like saying 'you broke my heart, now im gonna break your face." and things like "you had the time. you had the money. the only thing missing was the effort." well... my ex saw them and popped on facebook monday night saying we had to talk. now i was really mad at him becuz ever since i broke up with him, ive been finding out he's been breaking promises, i didnt think he ever really respected my decision on staying pure till marriage, and he lied to me. and he was hurting me, emotionally. he said "wasnt breaking my heart enough?" and i replied saying "wasnt breaking promises and lying to me enough?"
then we got into this whole big fight, and then i asked him the big question... "do you still love me?" after a few minutes he replied... "no, not in the way i once did." i told him "then everything you said was a lie, you promised to love me forever, and you said you would wait for me." but apparently not. he told me that i deserve better and he told me that someone will come along and fill the places he didnt. such as being there when i needed him. he said he was sorry he couldnt live up to his promises. thru our relationship, everything seemed to point to us as meant to be. i was being hurt everyday, but was blinded by my love for him. i was blinded by my love for him so much, that i let him hurt me. i broke up with him and i am continuing my searching for God. but its still hard for me to accept the fact that he doesnt love me anymore. all the things we said, all the things we planned. he walked into my life and left footprints in my heart and now i have to live with it. its gonna take some time but i know God will help me thru. but for a long time now ive had this feeling. ever since i asked God to be Lord of my life and lead me where i need to be, ive had the feeling im meant for something great. like something to change the world. all my life ive kept to myself. never let anyone in. if i was hurting i would just smile and act as tho everythings ok. and everyone believed it. everyone thinks my life is perfect. im a loyal friend, i dont complain, im not one to think very highly of myself.. so im wondering why i feel like im meant for something great... :/ i feel like im meant to do something.. but idk what. but for now im doing the "little things" and letting God have His time. If love is meant to be, it will happen. If im meant to do something, it will happen. I need to be patient. i need to wash the memories of my ex from my heart becuz i know its never going to happen. im living for God and only God. ever since i gave my life to Him, honestly... ive found that i can write really inspirational stuff from what i read in the Bible. i wrote something on faith and posted it on facebook. one of my friends called it a "spirit lifter". i can write poetry now.. sort of. like what im feeling. little prayers to God. my thoughts. stuff in the Bible. sometimes God seems so far away. but i know He's there. I asked God for help and He has helped me. and still doing so. one night at church, we were doing worship.. teens went up and surrendered their lives to God. i could seriously feel the presence of God in the whole room. it was amazing. one of my friends, the night b4 that night, he was telling me how he had no friends and no one to talk to. then that night after church he got on facebook and told me he was one of the teens that surrendered their life to God. and that some people gathered around him and now he has friends. i thought that was so amazing. now that im doing my best to live for God, and gave up my bf for God, i dont feel worthless anymore, i feel like someone meant for something. i dont care what other people say anymore, im learning to SHOW that i love God, (such as last thursday at church i finally lifted my hands in worship:)) and i feel beautiful. i always felt ugly and rejected, not worth it. but now i find myself beautiful and a child of God. im looking towards God more than boys, and i feel great! :D i hope ive helped anyone here, and i hope you can help me. may God bless you all. :)
-seb