My body and getting thin enough

by Steph
(Houston, Texas, USA)

Hey. Ok. I'm 13. I always thought I was too fat to be loved by anyone. I used to eat when I was upset. It was a cycle. Eat...go to school...eat...come home...eat...go to bed. I didn't just eat at mealtimes. My parents were always telling me to eat less. Especially my mom.

I scratched then.

I started thinking that maybe my mom would finally be proud of me if I was thinner. My best friend was naturally very skinny, and she was perfect (i thought). When I was in sixth grade, I was still scratching. Then seventh grade, I started eating half of the food on my plate at school. And I would tell my parents I had already eaten dinner sometimes. But only about once a week would I do theses things. Then I completely forgot.

Eighth grade. This year I was teased a bit because I'm overweight. Teased by my so-called friends. Over thanksgiving, I started eating less, and watching videos online. Thinspos. Videos that helped me not eat for a few days. Then I watched this movie...and the girl threw up to lose weight. So I did that too. But now I eat a lot. And I throw up most of it.

I know it's not right.

But I'm gonna stop when I'm thin enough.

That's okay...right?

Comments for My body and getting thin enough

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Feb 28, 2009
 Take care of yourself
by: A.J.

What you have is called bulimia, and it's an eating disorder. Forcing yourself to throw up to become thin is an attack against your body, and it's not healthy. Instead of overeating and throwing most of it up, if you want to lose wait, you need to find a healthier way to do it. Exercise daily--maybe just skip taking the bus to school and walk, if it's not too far away and you don't live in a bad neighborhood. And you should really talk to someone you know about this. Perhaps confront your mom, and tell her that you would like for her to make healthier meals. Maybe even, with your parents permission, petition for the school to serve healthier meals at lunch. Or bring your own.
I went to a website to get some information on bulimia, and I think this may be helpful. Listen to this: "Some of the common potential medical complications of practicing Bulimia Nervosa include cardiac arrhythmias, esophageal tears, electrolyte disturbances, gastrointestinal problems, and dental problems." That means what your doing is unhealthy for your heart, your stomach, and other things--and it can tear your esophogas! And those were only a few of the things about you that bulimia can harm. You might consider seeking professional help if you wanna quit.
Another thing, I have a mother and two older sisters who diet. This consists of eating healthy and filling meals, counting calories, exercise, and cutting back on snacking. You probably shouldn't try all of these at once, you need to take it slow.
Now there's something very important that you should know: I'm thin. My older sisters take after my mom's side of the family, so they are quite a bit heavier than me. But I can't possibly love them any more than I do now, even if they become slimmer like me. They are absolutely beautiful, and I wouldn't change them for the world. You should NEVER feel you're too fat for anyone to love you, because inside you are a beautiful person, and you are loved. By your family, your Father in Heaven, and your sisters in Christ--like me. Wanting to lose weight is normal, and it's okay. But your focus on losing weight should be your health, not how you'll look in a swimsuit. And whoever tells you otherwise, no matter what they look like on the outside, they are nowhere near as beautiful as you are on the inside. Please pray that God will help you to make the right decision, and that He will give you confidence in yourself and in Him. And take care of your body. The person inside it is lovely, and deserves to be well-taken care of. I'm gonna be praying for you, okay?

With love, A.J.
Mar 26, 2009
 thnx
by: steph

hi,
thanks for replying. It's been getting better. I told my youth pastor's wife. She talked to me about it a few times. I finally built up the courage to tell my mom about it. And about my cutting. She got me a christian counselor. he's a guy, so it's a little awkward. bu w/e. The cutting has been getting worse. well, according to everyone else. I think it's perfectly fine, and it helps me.
but the doc and my parents disagree. and my best friend does too. I've learned that some of my other friends cut too. And one of them is on the path to becoming anorexic. We're helping each other. We talk a lot about stuff. But sometimes I just can't help looking at myself in the mirror, and bursting into tears.

As for God...well, it's hard to believe that He still loves me. I cant imagine why he ever would. I feel so unlovable. Besides, even if He did, I wouldn't deserve the love.

I think I really like my best guy friend. He always sits next to me at lunch, and we hang out more than my other friends. Everyone asks if we're dating. They seem surprised we're not. My main problem is that I think he knows about my cutting. And if we start going out, then he'll ask about it. Or I'll have to tell him. and I don't want him to think I'm a freak.

anywayz...thnx again.
Mar 26, 2009
 I pray you could realize how much you are loved!
by: Shelley

Steph,

As I was reading your post today, I just couldn't help but think of Mandisa's new song called, "How much." It talks about knowing how much we are loved by God. I encourage you to listen to her song "How Much" on the video below.

Her song is based on this part of the Bible, "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge?that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Eph 3:16-21

I also want you to know I prayed for you today!

Fixing our eyes on Jesus,
Shelley
Apr 05, 2009
 His love for you is unconditional
by: A.J.

Well, that's good that you're getting help. I'm still praying for you, Steph. And in one area, I know how you feel. I remember being so insecure, and so unhappy with myself, I couldn't believe anyone loved me at all, even though I was surrounded by love all the time. And news flash: Love isn't something you "deserve", or have to work for. It's a gift, from one person to another. Truth is, God is so completely awesome that NO ONE deserves His love, but He loves us anyway. Jesus didn't deserve the hate He was shown when He was on earth, and he certainly didn't deserve to be brutally killed the way He was, but He was anyway...and He chose to go through with it. He can do anything, He could have backed out. But He didn't, because of the love he has for us. And even though I went through a bad insecure time in my life, it's nothing compared to what Jesus went through. But He still cares. And He knows the pain you're feeling right now, more than any other person can. Hang in there, Steph, and pray constantly. And don't think it's impossible for anyone to love you. Hey--I've never met you in my life, and my heart is going out to you. But God was with you since the day you were born, and He's still with you now, and He really does love you. And with His help you can get through this. Still praying for you.

With Love, A.J.

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