My Journey to Self-Love and Awareness

by Rita
(Burley, Idaho)

My Story begins like many others. Where peer pressure at a young age, and the temptations of the devil,had led Me astray. Needless to say, I let Myself wander off from the pasture where Christ had been. I was the lonely black Sheep that got tired of being the odd ball out, and decided to join the "rebels", in the other herd. And I found out the hard way the grass was not greener on the other side. And all the while through My rebilious stage, and silly phases in Life. I should have simply asked Christ for some advice and guidance, instead of being so incredibly stuborn and immature. So with further to do-before I go rambeling on in needless talk. Here is My Story, or better yet the Short but Perfectly put-to My abilities. Extent of it. At the ripe age of 15. When My highschool life had finally started taking off, and Homecoming had found it's way into the halls of Burley High, were gossiping, giddy girls discussed what dress they should whare, and whom they were going with, and those who would have no dates. When the walls were lined with Posters that said "Homecoming is on it's way, do you have your date yet"?!. And roses with notes, and cards, and seriously expensive gifts where being carried, and prepared as surprises for all the girls and guys who would non the less. Have dates to the Dance. And where I, the Virgin, Goody Good Chirstian Girl, would be asked Myself, and It would change My life around. I Went to Homecoming with a guy who led Me into the first stage in My life that would pull Me astray from whom I really was. I thought I was in love with the guy, and that he was a dream come true. Only thing was, I wasn't in love-I was in lust, more or less. It was childish infatuation like most others at that age, and let it all get to Me. I changed my appearence, personality, and walked away from My faith in Christ. All because I felt the guy wouldn't like Me for who I really was. And now I look at it as a Lesson that needed to be learned, that I was a Child in a since, weather or not I liked to admit it. And that if the guy really had cared about Me, and Respected Me, he wouldn't have aimed to change Me, lead Me astray from Christ, and decieve Me while aiming to steal My precious inonsence. I was brought up in a very strong Christain faith, and taught much better than I acted out. But like so many others, I had to learn it all for myself. And so I did. After the heartbreak from the breakup with the Homecoming boe of Mine. I fell in love with a guy who would be the second, and most biggest impact to My change in life. His name was Jeremy, and He was like My highschool sweetheart so to say. I Married him at the age of 17, When I thought I knew myself, and life and love. And wouldn't take no for an answer. I let myself go.. in so many ways. I got into partying, sang in a metal punk band, and let peer pressure and tempations get the best of Me-or in a better manner to say, the Worst! We were Married about 2 years before a beautful little girl would enter our lives. And there, things started to shift and change like I never imagined. It was great for a while, then faded out. Like a candle that had been blown out in a storm. We fought every chance We got. And the word Family, became just that. So after 3 years together, I finally had enough. I packed My bags, and My daughter up and Moved to Montana with My Parents-I stayed there for five months, before My Husband came up to "work it out", with Me. I honeslty didn't want to try again at this point, I had actually singed for a divorce. But for My daughter, and her best interst, I did. So I moved back to Idaho. And did what I could, but nothing worked, and nothing, went nowhere. I had

gone from mentally exhausted, to normal, to completley and utterly distraught. There were so many isses, to which I will not say, that needed "patching" up. But, needless to say, some things-no matter the effort will not work out. So after Several months of "trying". We said it was enough. My daughter and I moved out of our home, and made a new start. I filed for the divorce once more. And 4 months later it would be over. I was finally "free", single, and on My way to a new beginning! It was more difficult than I thought, to handle the divorce and the new life change. But I did My very best to keep it together for My daughters sake! All in all.. it's a Story that goes to show. That when you stray away from the Lord, and you think the grass may be greener on the other side. You are telling your soul that faith doesn't belong there anymore. And your then, sure to find yourself on a borken down path, with a hole in your heart, and scars on your mentality. I finally had enough of being in that state of mind. And grabbed ahold of My Faith that I already knew exsited. I prayed for forgivness, strenth, and assurance. And Now, I am Woman who has grown to have an appreaciation of life I didn't know I had, a respect and Love for myself I never thought I needed, and an outlook on life that I never paid any mind too. I've learned that it is just much better to be who you really are. And that I am beautful, smart, and an amazing Woman in Chirst, that is already filled with all the hope, trust, faith, and Love that I needed for My life. I just had to open My eyes to see the truth, and grasp ahold of it. And now that I have it.. that I finally have that confidence I need and that honor for myself that I deserve. I will never let Myself be less than I know I am, nor settle for anything less then My heart and Soul desires. God is My refuge when I am weak, and My tower of light, when I can only see the dark. I would be so lost without Him, and I am so thankful that even though it hurt, that I went through those things that I did, that I overcame those obsitacls to see that, I never had to wander astray in the first place. Because I WAS Loved, I WAS adored, and Respected, and Wanted. Maybe not by all those that I wanted to be. But by the One, who it Truly mattered to be. So there is My story-in a shorter version. And from it, I hope to share the inspiration to all you young Ladies out there, who think your the "black sheep" of the herd, and you think you are not special, and are searching for somehing more. Stop, Think, Pray, and Look inside your heart and soul. And face the facts. You ARE Loved, You ARE Beautful, You are Unique, not Stupid. You are AMAZING, and SMART, NOT an idiot. You are AUTHENTIC.. you are beautifuly, and wonderfully made-By Christ through Christ. Remember this Always, becuase when life tries to get you down, and others put that pressure on you, that makes you feel like you should run. Look it all in the face, and Say, "You know what?! I am happy with who I am, and Where I am", I am loved, and adored by Jesus Christ. I know My worth, and I refuse to let anything, or anybody destroy that". You are Everything that You allow yourself to be Ladies. So allow yourselves to be all that you can be.. sit back, relax, let God take care of your heartaches, and troubles. And you will see that.. Life truly is worth living, and you are truly worth all of it's beauty. My biggest advice to you is that.. no matter what life throws at you. Dont ever change, only grow in Spirit, afterall.. it's what God has planned for your life that really matters, not what you think is the best plan". Much Blessing, and Love to you all. -Rita J.