never gonna escape from it

by Jenna
(Miami )

I have been dealing with an eating disorder since I was in seventh grade. I sat a lunch table with girls who barely ate anything, one girl told us as soon as she "shrunk" the size of her stomach she would start eating again. I quickly stopped eating lunch, I felt weird being the only girl who did eat lunch at the table, so I stopped all together.

Freshman year was the worst, the girls in my class were awful. They were just mean girls and all disliked me alot. During basketball season I would not eat all day than eat right before practice so I would get sick during practice. One of the teachers noticed how thin I was becoming, and so I talked to her about it. She listened and was so helpful. But I still felt like eating was the only thing I could control in my life. I would start eating regularly three meals a day, everything was would be great. However I associate eating with gaining weight. So then I stop because I am literally pertified of gaining weight. I know that eating won't make me gain weight, but I still think that.

Now I'm a junior in high school 5'9 and 135lbs. And I still struggle with it. I fear that this is something I am going to deal with for the rest of my life. I know not eating is bad and that I should eat more but the thought of gaining weight scares me so bad I just dont. My school guidance counselor has tried to get me to talk to someone but I refuse just like I refuse to admit there is a problem. I feel like if I just keep saying there is no problem, then it does not exist. But the moment I do begin to talk about it openly it becomes something I have to confront and address. I'd rather just hide from it and pretend its not real.

She has tried to get me to talk to my parents but i refuse. My parents are too busy with work and would just yell at me to eat more, they would not understand. Besides I already have people on my back at school I do not need them on me at home too. I dont think anyone understands that I want to be able to eat and not fear gaining weight but I cant. Eating = weight gain..

I want to stop, but I cant.