read if you want

by emma
(United Kingdom)

Hi. My name is Emma and I'm fourteen years old. I have been diagnosed with anorexia. A year ago I used to weigh 8 and a half stone, and now I'm 7 and my weight is dropping still; I'm getting thinner.

Everywhere but my stomach is just 'bone'. Well, I wouldn't say 'bone', but they are ridiculous and it's like I've attached someone else's ( younger )body parts and attached it to my torso. I hate my stomach with a passion and I'd say that it's 'fat' everytime I look into a mirror.

Everytime I pass a mirror I lift up my shirt and start looking at my stomach. Repeatedly I'd say 'you're so fat. You need to lose weight.' And the voice in my head (we'll call him 'Eddie') would repeat this all day, everyday non stop.
All I think about is my weight and how fat I am. It's disgusting.

I hate it. I hate Eddie. He's made things so hard. Parents shouting at me everyday because they're worried and stressed. Daily things becoming difficult. Like walking! Feeling dizzy everytime you take a few steps. Or everytime you get up too quick. Being exhausted 24/7. Having to go to the 'cams' thing every few days and repeatedly being checked upon. Blood tests. Doctors appointments.

Food is always being shoved into my face and I will refuse to eat it. Sometimes I will but afterwards I go to my room and cry and hit myself because of the guilt that I get overwhelmed with. I am watched like a hawk 24/7 at home when I eat. I cannot throw it in the bin or hide it. Because they'll find it. And IF I refuse then I am shouted at, and they shove the truth in my face, that if I carry on, my organs will shut down and I will be in a coffin soon. And they'll be there, burying me, crying.

But it's not that easy. It won't get out of my head! I know I'll die, but all I want to be is thin, thin, thin. I've tried everything to help myself but all I keep doing is 're-lapsing' and it's so hard. I know I will be in the hospital soon. And it scares me so much. But Eddie has taken over me. I can't do much about it.

I even have a holiday in a few days, which I'm probably not even going to be able to go to because I am not fit enough. They have told me this. It doesn't bother me that much. Nothing ever excites me that much anymore, I could care less. I am always described as 'depressive' because I am rarely ever happy or smiling, but it's just not that easy. No energy. Because of lack of food.

I do have so much more to say, but this is all I'm going to let out. Its so good for me to get these thoughts out of my system. I've been wanting to say this to someone. So thanks for reading. And if anyone replies, thank you too. <3

I have a huge fear of my parents reading this but Oh well. Once I post this then that's it.