there is something rough about me...

by Susa
(Austria)

i remember that when i was a little girl i sometimes was with my neighbors who had more money than we had; it was like their place looked like royal or something to me, even though we lived in the same house and at least the basics of our apartments were nearly the same... however, their bathroom was probably one of the first places where i explored the look of my face.

and i think it was one day like this when i discovered i didn´t like my face that much, especially my lips which were thin - so i prayed to god to make me beautiful one day.
so it´s really hard for me sometimes - hard to understand and to handle the feelings that come with the fact that my lips are still thin; but what has become more important to me meanwhile is my... overall impression.
i think there is something rough about me.
something not feminine.
that is the point where i can´t combine my...
1. suspicion that people should be liked and treated good by other people independent from how they look like - opinion that I, who is possibly ugly, deserve the same treatment like the most beautiful girl of a topmodel tv show
2. fear that it is different in fact
3. belief that god cares about what we wish with our hearts
4. wish i would be really beautiful
5. wondering if i maybe am
...

and i´m just afraid of finding out someday that i am just not good enough.
not good enough to be something special to god and to be given a real beauty by him.

i know my father thinks i am not the daughter he wanted do have, because i´m not very strong and productive at the time - and maybe because i am not that beautiful and so on.

i really had a tough time the last years because my mother died and i know i never was the same again from that day on.
and i can´t understand why god does not ease the pressure and pain between my father an i, for example, even though i prayed to him to do it for so many times.
and why he does not just give me the beauty, which would be no big deal for him.

uh... everything is tough for me at the time, at least today, because my father and i had a big fight.

just wanted to talk about it;
maybe you find something to cheer me up...

sorry for mistakes - my mother tongue is german

greetings
and it´s really no problem if there is no answer or something like that
(i don´t know if it´s possible at all?)

just take my text as an example how unhappy a girl can be about herself;
hopefully as the one who fell, before the getting up again =)