There was no other way, but with God, maybe I can go on.

by Jodie
(England)

I had a proper rubbish childhood. Like my dad used to batter me, my mum, and my sisters all the time. I could never do anything right. From being about 6 I remember crying every night and praying that I would die soon. But I never did. I don't know why I did it, my family wasn't a religious one but I always felt the presence of God.

I was bullied right through primary school and I never had anybody to talk to. Every time I tried to tell someone how I felt, they just laughed at me. So I stopped telling people. Then when I was 11, I made this like friction burn on my hand and for that one small moment, it felt like I was alive. And it was worth it. After that, I did it loads. I hung around with my cousin at the time and one day her friend had all these cuts up her arm and she said she'd done them with a pencil sharpener blade. That was the first time I cut myself. It worked better than the friction burns and it was quicker and easier. It felt as though I was in control of at least one thing in my life. But in reality, I wasn't.

In time, I came to confide in this one friend, Chloe, because I knew she'd been doing it too. I trusted her. I started smoking and drinking - anything that would make me feel that bit alive. I tried to stop cutting but my life was, and is, just too messed up. A friend of mine killed himself and it all got too much so I started cutting again. I ended up doing it like 3 times a day. I hid razor blades in the back of my phone for them times when I started to space out. One night I was just feeling so crap. I ended up cutting myself loads and then taking loads of paracetamol with bacardi. I don't know how I survived. But I did.

Chloe decided I was getting too bad and decided to tell Charlotte. Charlotte went mental and then told everyone else. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want them to so obviously pretend that everything was ok. And they did. They tiptoed around me all the time and that put a proper strain on me telling anyone at all. So, I stopped talking about it and just felt like crap all the time. And then Lauren (a close friend of mine) started self harming. I tried to help her, really I did. But I failed, just like I thought I did at everything else. In time, me and Chloe stopped talking because of lots of messed up rubbish and then she moved to Wales. She's the only person who used to know me inside out. But things have changed, she's got better and I can't talk to her about things anymore.

Another friend committed suicide and a few more were killed. It was like people who didn't want to die had to but I did want to and when I tried to I just failed. I've tried loads to stop cutting and to change my life around. But it just helps so much and it brings me to life. I used to try and talk to God at my most desperate times, but he wasn't there.

And then earlier this year, I ended up sleeping with this guy even though I didn't want to (I really didn't want to) and he hasn't even spoken a word to me since (and he's in my tutor so I see him everyday). And that just makes me feel like crap. It's like I try and trust people but every single person I've trusted have just betrayed me and that hurts more and more each time. So I cut even more. It's like an addiction.

I space out all the time these days which is why I find it hard to concentrate on what people are saying to me. So I have to cut to come back to life. People are always making jokes about my life and I don't need it. I just bottle things up because nobody understands and it's like why should they care about me? When I became a christian, things in my life changed loads and it seems to be the hardest it's ever been. I seem to have something inside me stopping me from cutting as often, but these past couple of weeks it's just gotten too much. I can't cope with life. I have the urge to cut all the time and most of the time I just give in because it seems to be the only tangible thing what I know will always be there in my lowest times. Right now, Lauren is self harming more than ever and has also started taking drugs. I need to be there for her, so my own struggles have to take a back seat.

I found God earlier this year through a teacher at my school. I was invited to his church and the youth all went on holiday for the weekend. I really felt God present and I repented. I knew that becoming a Christian would be a struggle, but I never knew how much so. I started to cut deeper and deeper recently but everytime I do it, I feel something telling me not to, I believe that thing is God. Right now, I'm trying to sort it out. It's funny, I've been contemplating suicide for so long now, but then at church this morning, George (our pastor) started talking about struggles in a Christian life with addictions such as self harm and I suddenly though to myself 'maybe I can go on'.