Theres no way out.

by A.M
(USA)

I hadn't always felt the way i do. It wasnt until last year that bulimia took over my life. See im 15 and have been a competitive cheerleader for 9 years. I had always been a flyer. If you dont know what that is, it's the girl whos doing all the tricks in the air in the stunt. I was the girl everyone wanted to be. Im blonde, tan, popular, varsity cheer team my first year of high school... i seemed to have it made in the shade.

I was told by my cheer coach that i was too big to fly and instead would have to base. She wasnt wrong. I had grown 4 inches over a 6 month period and had gained a few pounds with them. I didnt pay any mind to what she said until i got on the scale that day after practice in the weight room at our school. i had gained weight. and a girl on my team even commented on it.

I tried to diet i tried working out but i wasnt happy with the results i was getting. So i decided to throw up. Just one time i told myself. I threw up and felt oddly happy with myself. 6 months later i had dropped 13 pounds which is extremely unhealthy. my parents never said anything.

It wasnt until my great grandmas funeral this past summer that someone noticed. My grandfather. After going to the bathroom 4 times in a span of 30 minutes, he began to be suspicious. he mentioned something to my parents but they denied it and thought he was crazy for even saying something. It continued on for around 3 more months until my homecoming. My parents found out. they had found my journal that i had been writing in. it was specifically for my eating disorder. my parents read it all and they confronted me about it.

i had gone from 135 pounds at 5 foot 7 to 119.

they made me feel horrible about it. but i felt like i coudlnt control myself even though i wanted to stop. it was like there was no way out. like no matter how hard i would try this would come full circle and we'd be back where we started. My mom told me that i just wanted easy and quick results and was lazy. but thats not how i felt at all. i did it because i felt it was the only way for me to lose weight.

there are still days i feel fat and there are days that i question why i ever stopped throwing up at all.

see everyone is quick to talk about depression and anxiety and ocd but no one talks about eating disorders. we are pushed to the back corner. i am grateful to have been given this platform and opportunity to share my story.

see sticks and stones didnt break my bones but your words made me harm myself till you could see all of them .

it seems that the perfect cheerleader isnt too perfect after all.