To My Unborn Baby

by Ana
(Oceanside)

I know your soul is comfortable up there in the sky.

God will treat you better than Daddy and I.
I know Daddy left you from the start, I?m sorry he had to be that guy.
Please forgive me for all the times I woke you with my cries.
I know you were comfortable sleeping in my womb,
and little did you know it soon would be your tomb.
But I know that you?re in heaven now and maybe you could put in a good word
To the man upstairs, because I?m going to hell for this I?ve heard.
And that would be something I could never do
For I have too much unfinished business and things to share with you.
I hope you heard me tell you I loved you as I had a moment alone in the operation room
But the nurse left me alone for all but a minute and the doctor came in so soon.
She was big and scary, with evil eyes, shallow dark and cold.
Your Aunt Sophia heard her say to me ?are you thinking about what you?ve just done? as she watched me cry, or so I was told.
I swear I heard you pleading to let you stay with me.
?Mommy I?ll be good to you I promise, give me a chance and you will see?
?Please Mommy, there?s something sucking at my arm, and you aren?t protecting me from this painful harm?
?Mommy where are you, I can?t feel you anymore, and your cries sound further and further away, they?re gone now that I?ve heard a closing door?
?I?m laying in something dark, but it doesn?t feel like you, I hear no voices that sound like yours, these laughs don?t sound like yours do.?
?Mommy I think I?m dying, I see a great bright light,
I see an angel with open arms to pull me out of this never ending pain and night?
?But I?ll always love you Mom, you and Daddy too. I?ll put in a special word to God so one day I can meet both of you.?
?And if you ever feel scared I?ll be there each day you live?
?The only thing I can?t say to you is that I?ll ever forgive.?
My Baby these are things I imagine you were saying.
I find myself awake at 4 a.m. on my knees and praying.
Here are all the things that I never got to say
I hope writing them down will make them reach you up there some way...

Cries, laughs and sighs rack back and forth in my head
All the ?I Love You?s? that I never could have said.
I was supposed to be Mommy, but Mommy left you for dead.

Do you ever imagine what it would feel like for me to watch you breathe?
Or do you curse the days that Daddy and I were born and call us thieves?
Because we robbed you of your life, is that what you believe?
Well I can?t say that I blame you, but I never wanted you to leave.

At the end of the day, I knew I had made a huge mistake.
Tears rolling down my face, your life wasn?t mine to take.
Four hundred and fifty dollars isn?t worth a soul?s break.

Are you a little baby girl with golden brown eyes?
Or are you Mommy?s little man, with Daddy?s eyes blue as the sky?
I bet you?re tough as nails like Daddy, with the compassion and smarts of Mom.
I bet you already knew I?d be writing this poem.
I bet Grandma Oba is holding you in her arms, telling you her own granddaughter never meant you any harm.

I wish I could just hold your little hand in mine.
Man, I wish I could turn back the hands of time.
Just to hear you say ?Mama?, even just to hear you whine, would be the memory of a lifetime.

Aunt Tara would have given you her spitfire spunk,
Uncle Buddy would have shared his hippie musical funk.
Uncle Sean and Uncle Timmy would give you their own special talents,
and Aunt Maggie would create the perfect balance.
And of course, you already know your Grandparents.

They?d give you anything they had, as if you were their own.
Take you into their hearts and into their homes.
You?d always know that you were never alone.

Aunts Sophia and Erin would make you extra silly and fun
And Uncle Sean and Uncle Jimmy would protect you a ton.
A marine and a wannabe thug, they?d probably put someones head to a gun,
If they ever caused you pain or took the shine away from your sun.

I can?t tell you that you?re life would have been perfect.
Because I?d never lie to you, it wouldn?t be worth it.
Mommy and Daddy have so much hate between us that used to be love
And you deserve a family sent from above.

So I told God I?m so sorry, but I had to give you back.
This world is cold and cruel and you deserve better than that.
And every year on my own sisters birthday I?ll think of when you would have been born.
November 19th, it would have been cold; I would have kept you warm.

And I can say with certainty when I do become a mother too,
I?ll never look at your brother or sister without thinking of you.
I?ll never be a care free woman in her 20?s just trying to make it.
Because I carry the weight of regret and grief on my back and it?s going to break it.

And as you fly up above me and Daddy, with giant wings just soaring,
I guess all I want to say is that I love you, and that morning sickness wasn?t as bad as this sickness of mourning.