Trying to be Thin

by Jessica
(Waco Texas)

My names Jessica. I am 5 feet four inches and i weigh 113 pounds. I fit into size zero jeans and am aware of being over weight but somehow my eyes tell me other wise. I wish i could tell you where it started, but in order to do that i would have to go back to the VERY beginning.I was happy once. I mean i felt happy. Their was nothing that could stop me from doing what i wanted. Back then i couldnt understand how people could do drugs, cut, starve, or hurt themselves. Today I cant even imagine how anyone can make it through the day without going crazy like I do. I feel so alone. Nobody not even someone with the same life story could keep me company if tied to me by handcuffs. Its like a battle and im all by myself, suddenly I want to join the other team. Anorexia that is... People say you cant just wake up one day and say "oh im going to catch an eating disorder today!". That is partially true. In my case it was all about peer influence and my desire to be pretty. I always thought i was beautiful and thin. I would take pictures of myself that at the time i would admire and flaunt, today i cant even imagine how i got in the state of mind to even look at it myself, all i could see was disgusting gross greasy love handles and feel my legs touch and sometimes irritated. I was a size three? i weighed about 125 pounds and soon went up to 130 because of athletics and the muscle i was building. I thought it was disgusting. So i started making plans. i started planning diets. i started gaining weight back and losing it and it would go on and on. My grades dropped and i got kicked out of athletics for bad attitude. Everything changed after that.

It was my freshmen year and I met new people. One girl I became really close to. Ill just call her Nina. Oh dear lord she was a hot mess. Size zero, skinny arms sunk in eyes. she was beautiful when you first met her,but in the end she was just pure pain. Guys thought she was beautiful. I was jealouse. I wish i looked like that. I felt disgusting and repulsive. Soon I became bulimic. Nina confessed she was bulimic when she found me purging and soon we were closer than ever. She betrayed me eventually blaming drug abuse at school all on me. We got expelled. She lied, my parents cried, i was strung out. I weighed 127 pounds. It had not helped me loes weight which made me even more mad.The story goes on from their.

Now i weigh 113, im planning on going lower. i want to be 100 pounds. sick...but its what i want the most. I want a perfect body, i want something to make me feel different, i want attention i want to stand out. I agree with the over protective parent thing because to this day they can not understand the more they try to help and do my busness the more im going to keep going downhill. Do i want to get better? i do, but i want to stay skinny. I HATE FOOD. i havent eaten all day. i guess you could call me anorexic but I dont feel like it. I feel like a Fake wanna be. I feel gross. I have my good days but soon are messed up and ruined. Im sick but i cant accept that i need help, I dont want help. I want thin, but i want everyone happy too. I cant imagine being big like i was. i cant. i love tight expensive small jeans. I love my Eating disorder even if its killing me. I want to ask people to pray for me but i cant imagine it working and then ana going away. I feel as if my eating disorder is distancing myself from god so that it wont be forced to go away. How can something go away when half of you commands it to leave and other side, trying to disguise its self as sanity is grasping on to it? God help me be thin and content.