wanting it so bad you hate it....

by Grace
(Lancashire)

i was 13, 125lbs and 5"7!! it was march 23rd 2010 my best friend died, i hated myself and everybody around me, i stopped eating because i never felt hungry i felt worthless, what was the point of me being here? my best friend was gone, who else could i turn to? people started noticing me losing weight and told me how i was looking well i felt great with the comments so i decided that i would continue not to eat. a girl i knew asked me if i was starving myself i denied it and said no but she continued to ask and try to tell me i was anorexic, i had none of it and told her to get lost, there was no way i was anorexic i was way too fat, so i continued not to eat, but it kept playing on my mind so i search and searched on the internet to see if what she was saying was true, but i became addicted, everyday,every night i would be on the laptop searching things about anorexia i was well and truly hooked, i looked at 'thinspiration' and wanted to be anorexic so bad because all the girls in the pictures were gorgeous and i wanted to be them, i really really wanted anorexia, i didnt know what it would do to me! april 23 2010 13, 120lbs, 5 lbs not enough for me so i continued, may 23 2011 14, 115lbs another 5lbs not enough, june 23 2010 14, 105lbs 10lbs off yess! but still not skinny enough, july 19 2010 14, 90lbs yesss! 15lbs off! 35lbs all together, but that day i went to see a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, they stopped me going on holiday they stopped all sport and put me in hospital, i hated it what i wanted to be so bad was now haunting me and i wanted to run away soo bad and not stop for anyone but i couldnt i could barely keep my eyes open i wanted it gone soo bad i wanted to be with my friends at school i wanted to be able to skate again! it's now november 27 2011 im 15 5"8 and 115lbs i've put on loads but still not at my 'target weight' im out of hospital allowed to skate but i will only allow myself to eat certain things like rice cakes or crackers im on supplement drinks aswell, which are gross! im feeling a bit better but i dont want people to go through what i did, i still feel ugly, fat and unwanted but at least im not on the verge of death!!!!!