"well why aren't you skinny then?"

by Linnea
(Sweden)

Eating disorders are like living in hell. I'm 19 and had suffered from this since I was 13. It's a part of my self harm and honestly I don't really care about the numbers like most of us do. For me, the weight was never important.

It's about hurting myself and my body. It's about seeing my hair fall off, my heart fail, headache, fainting, black spots and so on. Self harm. To not eat is a slow suicide either you want it or not.

The truth is I don't want to admit this as a problem, especially not as a eating disorder. Because I don't think it is. I don't eat very much, sure. And sometimes I throw up. Before I did exercise until I fainted, and I can see it is a danger in that behavior. But still, I've been for therapy for all these years, but no one has ever told me I had an eating issue. Automatically I think it's because "I was never skinny enough", and I still aren't. But I know I was, and I am. I know I've been close to, or, underweight.

But the health care these days are so focused on numbers, how much you weight, and how you relate to your weight. And I don't really have a problem with that.

But it's not a secret even if I deny I have a problem.
when I was sixteen I was in hospital, dehydrated and with threats of feeding tube.

I only hope I can control this disorder and don't lose too much weight. Because I can't let it control me anymore, it will kill me. And I'm pretty tired of all this now.

Bones is Not beautiful. It's only another way to kill yourself. You don't see the danger in it til' it's too late.

Take care, and eat!