whole heart

by Daisy
(California)

growing up i went to church but i never paid attention to the sermons. i knew about God but i didnt believe. my grandma was so in love with God & she made sure everybody knew. she used to spend hours praying and i listened to her prayers for me. she prayed for me to have strength and work hard and have a soft heart...but she ALWAYS prayed for me to accept God into my heart. i used to laugh thinking it was pointless. my junior high years were not my favorite. i had to switch schools & i was lost.i didnt have friends & at that school...you had to earn your respect and popularity. i got involved with this boy (lets nickname him Mr.Jones) & he would cheat on me and tell me things like i needed make-up and if i didnt do what he said he would go to another girl who was willing. i learned how to be tough and how to get what i wanted by doing whatever i had to..even if that meant disobeying God. i ended up getting in a fight with this girl over Mr.Jones and i got kicked out of my school. i became so depressed that i starting popping pills and cutting. eventually my parents sent me to a small christian school. hoping to forget my broken heart, my eyes were stuck on this boy (nickname diamond) at my new school. i didnt know exactly why i was attracted to diamond but he had a certain glow. at first we hated each other but i still secretly liked him. he would say really hurtful things to me and i would snap back at him. somehow, we became friends and then friends with benefits. as all this was going on..i felt used and i pushed him to officially make me his girlfriend. while all this was going on i became friends with this other boy (nickname C) and he opened up my eyes to God. C is the first Godly man i ever befriended. he used to give me pieces of paper with bible verses when i was down and he would always pray with me and my best friend hazel. i guess God knew that a man had to be the one to open up my eyes to Him knowing how boy crazy i was! anyways, i began to really admire C and i opened up to him about my grandma. it was crazy for me because he was a few years older than me and at first i wasnt attracted at all and i didnt even believe in God but this guy was special. it was like i ignored all the physical characteristics and i immediatly became attracted to his heart. even though i knew nothing between me and C would ever happen, his spirit made me curious about who God was. back to diamond, i was still feeling empty with him and i was hoping that when he made me his girlfriend the emptiness would go away. even as his girlfriend, nothing changed. we started out the relationship completely away from God. we would do physical things and we were both very deceiving to each other. i remember opening up to diamond one night and telling him about the emptiness i felt. his response was (of course) if he could be the one to fill in the emptiness. i was still depressed and still cutting. then one day at school we had a chapel and that was the first time i felt God really enter my heart. i was tired of feeling empty with diamond and he was tired of the emptiness too i guess. we both turned to God and we decided to be committed. i gave up four years of cutting and i asked God to be in the center of my heart. it was hard with all the physical temptation between me and diamond but we were both strong when we needed to be. eventually we even got to the point of not kissing and that meant a lot to me because he was the one who thought of it. we both desired to live in purity and wait till marriage to do anything physical.we started having bible studies together and going to church together and praying together and spreading God's love together. things were good but he switched schools and things changed. we eventually grew apart and broke up. i knew God was the only one who could heal my broken heart so i turned to Him. i became student chaplain at my school and i continued to grow with God, but it seemed like every time i would think i moved ahead i would get pushed back by insecurities of my past relationship and i even went back to cutting a few times because i felt empty again. i had to fall in love with God all over again. i surrounded myself with Godly women and became a part of a womens ministry group. my cutting habits stopped and i learned to rely on God. i still have my struggles but it is in my heart to help girls as much as i can. it breaks my heart to see a girl or anyone go through what i went through with boys, cutting, etc. i've been single for a good while now and i've decided to stop dating until God gives me the ok. i havent met my prince charming and i dont know if i will. what i do know is that God is the only one who has been able to fill my heart in completely. no man can do that. no drugs did that. nothing. just God. and i want every girl to feel what ive felt with Him. and i want every girl to experience what i have with Him. i want every girl to know what it is to have a whole heart.