wow am i fat or what!

by Amber
(W-S ,N.C)

I have not always thought I was fat. My addiction with my size did not start until my freshman year in high school. It seems as though once I started verbally abusing my self I could not stop.

At first I would say oh if I only lose 10lbs I would look so much better and I would have so many more friends. And maybe (guys name) would even talk to me more. Then I looked in the mirror agian and said wow my head is way to small for my body size I just need to even it out then I'll look better.

This constant self bashing continued, and got worse than ever when I heard that some of my so called friends had been talking about me. This cycle continued until the middle if the semester when I got a boy friend. Our relationship made me feel better it made me feel like I was pretty because he liked me and I thought that someone saying I was pretty, or beautiful made it true.

This feeling of self worth was soon dashed when I found out that he wanted to break up with me.I came up with so many reasons why he would break up with me, my hair,my stomach, basically everything but my honey brown eyes were the problem.

I went through the rest of the term fine I eventually got over it and moved on,but i still held on to my self hate with my body weight. All my real friends would tell me that i was not fat I was thick and my Bff told me that the only real body problem I had was that i thought i was fat when i wasn't.

She said that no i wasn't skinny but I was most definitely not fat. this year I am a sophomore and i go to a new school that i hate with a passion . Where i always end up comparing myself to someone else and not being myself. I feel like i cant wear this or that because i'm not a size 6 or 7.

And i know that the reason that i may not have as many friends is not because i'm over weight but because i dont love myself enough to let people in to my shell. I am very surprised at myself that i am even writing this so hope u read it.

I feel that i need to start loving myself no matter what i weigh because i know that God made me special and i look the way i do for a reason. And even if i am overweight i should not stress about it and deal with it by working out and eating better. And reading Gods word so that when someone says something mean about me it wont matter because i will know that i am beautiful and that God loves me .

P.S i dont think im ugly i just think i could lose some weight. :)